This is a true story

This is a true story. I have a subscription to The New Yorker and to US Weekly. I feel guilty that only US Weekly gets read every week. (Even the "articles.") This is a true story.

The words in these prose poems were inspired, and in many cases pulled directly, from the pages of US Weekly Issue 627: February 19, 2007.

1.
This is a true story. Cancer took my love from me. My wife cheated. My dad doesn’t believe in me. I was a crack baby. My mother is paralyzed and my brother works at Papa John’s pizzeria. I secretly traveled to East Palestine, Ohio. I have said words that should be edited. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am ashamed of who I am. This is a true story.

2.
This is a true story. I called my girlfriend a bitch while we were listening to Kenny Loggins. Her name is Polya which means muffin in Yiddish. Her MySpace inbox is always full, and she says stuff like, "I can never live up to his expectations." "His" is not me. I don’t expect anything except her touching me when she’s not on her period. I don’t want to talk about her anymore. I am dragging myself up from this. I already told you everything. This is a true story.

3.
This is a true story. I believe you’re a class act, Sherman. You will get rescued from foster care by your grandma. You will be on Good Morning America with Diane Sawyer and tearfully confess. You will possibly regret disclosing that. You are a class act, Sherman. You will get home safe. I love you. This is a true story.

4.
This is a true story. Someday your father will say if you have to go I am not helping you with school. Someday you will go to Madison, Wisconsin and audition with Blondie’s "Call Me." Someday you will talk things out. Someday you will say there is nothing left to talk about. Someday you will have closure. This is a true story.

5.
This is a true story. Your step dad shot your stepmom while you are wearing your Blonde Bombshell t-shirt. You collect 300 signatures to keep your positive attitude. You wow judges. You move to Birmingham, Alabama. Now the entire nation knows. You are a very personal thing. This is a true story.

6.
This is a true story. Brooke Hogan wore it better. Sophia Bush showed some leg. Eva Longoria sparkled. Kirsten Bell turned up the heat. Cameron Diaz dazzled. It’s time to rise and shine. Stars are twinkling in short and sexy sequin dresses. We asked 100 people and they said she wore it better. This is a true story.

7.
This is a true story. Paris Hilton has announced that she has been recovered. Paris Hilton can have extreme volume without clumping. Paris Hilton has seven dogs, but she knows the difference. Paris Hilton was voted one of the worst. Paris Hilton may gray with age, but color stays consistent. This is a true story.

8.
This is a true story. Cameron Diaz, 34, wore a long blonde wig. Jessica Alba, 25, received an apology. Abigail Breslin, 10, is not old enough to date. John Krazinski, 27, is a TV hunk. No one knows how old they will be someday. This is a true story.

9.
This is a true story. Three phones have the power to summon music out of thin air. Haute designs on the runway make you forget about the cold. This car designed to inspire you to view the world in a different way. In just one hour a week you’ll learn to eat not starve. You can find someone special in six months or you’ll get six months free. This is a true story.

10.
This is a true story. You can’t get Kylie Minogue out of your head. You are upset. What went wrong? It’s very sad. You are very sad. You have been trying to end it for a long time. It’s complicated. You are complicated. You have no comment. You could not be reached. You need space. You do not need space. This is a true story.