The Believer: You are wild and uncool

I think The Believer is for people who were uncool in high school then turned into cool adults.

Inspired by the Games issue of The Believer.

You are wild and uncool
You are an agony of games. I want to peer edit you and peer into you. I want to destroy monsters and not fail. I want this wonderful moment on Valencia Street.

Dear great song
Dear great song: I like your lyrics. I like the way you are subtle and the third line is like Frank Sinatra. You sing my way. You sing everything I’ve ever wanted to say about lizards, about Germany, and about his very sharp suit. I want to talk to you after the show.

I am saving up
I am saving up for a very successful career. I am saving up for parties at my apartment. I am saving up for a time to say, "I wish to thank everyone who got me to this point now. There are too many to list," I will say. I will be wearing a vintage tie. I look forward to reading my memoirs. Yes I do.

Destroy all monsters
My life is divided in two parts. Do you want to hear about part one or part two first? I will tell you about both. Just tell me where to start. Okay, I will start with part one. I am on a fishing trip with my friend Wayne. It began when we saw a cave that opened like a man about to hear a rumor. I said you’re going in. He said, we’re going in. I said okay we. Inside there was a dry goods business where we joined in some role playing games. Imaginary fighters, thieves and dwarfs helped us gather wildflowers. In part two we are at a retirement community. I can tell you I have mixed feelings about forgetful old men, including Wayne, including me. We say stuff like, “My kids are coming tomorrow,” or “Have you ever been to Lake Geneva?” or “Where were you shot?” It drives me crazy, but I can't help it. This is who I am now. Now you know the truth about my life.
I am the winner by any real standard.

Stuff I’ve been reading
Eighty-seven is not just my lucky number. Ask any animator, coach or drone-metal engineer and they will tell you the same thing. Still that doesn’t stop me from being worried all the time. Take today: I am trimming and lengthening my legs like usual, and generally wasting time while I wait for my wait for my World Cup to arrive. I’m having it cleaned—I’ve been meaning to do it for years. My wife says, If you are so scared, you should take action. So I take a bath, I garden, I smoke, I drink tea. I don’t feel any better. I’ve read all the books. Maybe I will try an all-meat diet.

Health looks good on you!

I steal magazines all the time. From my gym. My doctor. My friends. My mother. The other day I took Health from the lady who waxes my eyebrows. Now, unlike Glamour and other beauty mags, Health claims to rise above. To be about the body, mind and spirit … but isn't it *really* just about looking better? I think so. Let’s find out!

The text below is all inspired by the December 2006 issue of Health (all before page 14)!

Fight (Before and After)
Discoloration. Dullness. Wrinkles. Fight the look in a whole new light. Find your perfect fit! You can lose those last ten pounds. You can have your cake and eat it too with 19 ways to treat your natural pain-guilt. The proof: Three women, six months, immediately diminish.

These are a few of our favorite things
These are a few of our favorite things: Runners in your grocery basket. Ten tips made of chopsticks. A little sound advice from someone in a reversible jacket. Remember, in 30 minutes or less you can die, meet your master and get in your partner’s shape. (It fits your lifestyle best.)

Ultra calming
In as little as one week, we don’t have to be anymore. The dry, red, uncomfortable we. We are related. We don’t learn from our mistakes. We actively manage. Find a naturally calming solution and experience improvement. (It’s not a clinical study.)

Help for the holidaze
If you’ve never. If you’ve given. If you’ve eaten. If you’ve simultaneously (more than once). Then we’ve got the handbook for you! We won’t. We will. We’d love. We do. We have done all of these things. Now bring on the rum cake.

I don’t know about you
I don’t know about you, but I am a choco-nut! I don’t know about you but I cut calories and fat! I don’t know about you but I stretch before using my new pair of cross country skis! I don’t know about you but I talk about gift wrapping. I don’t know about you.

Hello Beautiful

Hello beautiful! You’ve got the right stuff! You got me to use veggies and spices I’d never used before! You are clinically proven. I want to use you every day. You are the change I wish to see in the world.

What a mighty fine man

Does it ever bother you that there are so many ads before you actually get to the table of contents? Does it make you think, "Hey, why am I paying for this magazine when I have to see so many ads. They should be paying me." Except maybe secretly you like all those ads? Maybe more than you even like the articles. Which are really just bigger, longer ads, and usually less creative. The fall issues of fashion magazines are the worse. Or the best, depending on how you look at it. Fact: There are 86 pages of ads before you get to the table of contents in the September 2006 issue of GQ. Fact: I didn't mind so much. Fact. That bothered me a little. Maybe a lot. Maybe it bothered me a lot that it only bothered me a little.

Inspired by those 86 pages ... and a little meat.

What’s inside?
Paris, London, or Beverly Hills. You can reach me at 1-888-977-1900. Ask for Tommy or Calvin or visit me at the South Coast Plaza! (I’m the one pretending to go down on the anorexic brunette with the fur cap.) Now hear this! Tom Brady is the ultimate in form meets function. I’d like to hear your thoughts. I like your attitude! Long live individuality! Sound off on what’s inside.

What we will do this fall
We will dress in shirts and ties. We will drink Bombay Sapphire and combine our influence. We will meet perfection and have a great time working on it. We will escape for five days and five nights. We will convey sophistication and strength in everything we do. We will lead a team of amateurs in a quest to create. We will know a moment of truth when we make a clean getaway.

Table of contents
We know what’s in store for you. We know everything you need to know. We will give you an upgrade. We will break down the rules. We are obsessed and we can’t stop watching. We don’t know when to call it quits. Welcome to America, immigrants!

Are you ready?
Are you ready to hit the cobbled streets in premium flannel suits? Are you ready for the best four days you’ll ever spend on two wheels? Are you ready for a 21st century gentleman? Are you ready to share perfect itineraries? Are you ready? We are ready. We are. Are you?

Did you know?
Did you know everyone keeps calling me? Do you know why everyone keeps calling me a savior? Did you know the man behind the mane? Do you know something Russians have known for years? A little can go a long way and it is best served chilled. Do you feel that way? Are you cold? You have cold? You like the cold? (Are we getting warmer?)

Visible
You are visible through the back. Through the front. Through attack. Drinking a different drum. Pushing outside the box. Being ahead of left field. You are visible in orange highlight. In stainless steel. In one big center second. You are drinking, thinking, pushing. You are a visible being.

Letter from the editor
I am the man of fall. I am one of your favorite nudist destinations here to inform you about world peace. I am here to tell you about empty feelings, about guess what, about her amazing menopause. But first you must swallow everything you hold dear in a thick and juicy suit. See? Fall is rich.

Letters to the editor
You have balanced original length and given me a piece of hunger. I want to thank you for a rare animal and taking on the possibility of pop culture. I congratulate small hilarity (and Tibet and India and Nepal.) And the quest itself. The article about moist struggles was taken out of context. I’ve long been an admirer of the rich. I thank you.

The ultimate code
I know the ultimate code for seduction. Do you know the ultimate code for seduction because if you don’t I will tell you. I will tell you now. Do you want to know? Do you want to know the ultimate code for seduction because I know? Open here to discover.

Ugly
Are you very, very ugly? Are you a dirty security agent and former secretary of state? Are you a felony waiting to happen, waiting to move on with his life, waiting to feel guilty? (You didn't ruin those kids’ futures, she did!) Would things have been different if you had a breakfast meeting with style and taste? Things would not be different.

20 hit singles!

Love poems? Advertising copy? What's the difference? (Not much.)

These poems are inspired from the Valentine’s Day issue of the Improper Bostonian.

Four course meal
I love you. You are that special something for that special someone that is me. You are an unforgettable cruise. You are live entertainment and dancing. You are a fully climate controlled deck. You are a complimentary glass of champagne upon boarding. And a complimentary rose. You are a four course meal I want to eat every night. I love you.

Everything I want
You are everything I want right where I want it. You are pet friendly. You are a million dollars that includes private parking. You are free shuttle service and a 24-hour concierge. I will always take your appointments.

You are my cropped jacket
You are my 10. You are my must-have for the season. You are my cropped jacket. My something silver. My patent, flat shoe, and eyelet. You are my BIG THING. (I want to show you my above-the-knee hemline.)

Green
You make me feel new and green. You are an oasis of open space. You are better than one bedroom, one bedroom plus, two bedroom, two bedroom plus. I want you in three bedrooms. You say you are pre-construction, but you feel finished to me.

20 hit singles!
20 hit singles! Are you a native of Rochester, New York with two bronze metals and one silver? Are you something exotic you ate on a memorable night out while playing the flute? Are you an intoxicating blend from charcoal, wax and collage paper? Ethereal, yet down to earth and extremely from Turkey? A tongue twister with free time to scour flea markets? A dot com with stints ripping up slopes? An occasional model and former mountain bike? Are you the city’s hottest sushi place (and a cat owner)? A child’s cause? A rising star? Mikhail Gorbachev and Reagan International Airport? Do you never have a dull moment? Do you want one? 20 hit singles!

This is a true story

This is a true story. I have a subscription to The New Yorker and to US Weekly. I feel guilty that only US Weekly gets read every week. (Even the "articles.") This is a true story.

The words in these prose poems were inspired, and in many cases pulled directly, from the pages of US Weekly Issue 627: February 19, 2007.

1.
This is a true story. Cancer took my love from me. My wife cheated. My dad doesn’t believe in me. I was a crack baby. My mother is paralyzed and my brother works at Papa John’s pizzeria. I secretly traveled to East Palestine, Ohio. I have said words that should be edited. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am ashamed of who I am. This is a true story.

2.
This is a true story. I called my girlfriend a bitch while we were listening to Kenny Loggins. Her name is Polya which means muffin in Yiddish. Her MySpace inbox is always full, and she says stuff like, "I can never live up to his expectations." "His" is not me. I don’t expect anything except her touching me when she’s not on her period. I don’t want to talk about her anymore. I am dragging myself up from this. I already told you everything. This is a true story.

3.
This is a true story. I believe you’re a class act, Sherman. You will get rescued from foster care by your grandma. You will be on Good Morning America with Diane Sawyer and tearfully confess. You will possibly regret disclosing that. You are a class act, Sherman. You will get home safe. I love you. This is a true story.

4.
This is a true story. Someday your father will say if you have to go I am not helping you with school. Someday you will go to Madison, Wisconsin and audition with Blondie’s "Call Me." Someday you will talk things out. Someday you will say there is nothing left to talk about. Someday you will have closure. This is a true story.

5.
This is a true story. Your step dad shot your stepmom while you are wearing your Blonde Bombshell t-shirt. You collect 300 signatures to keep your positive attitude. You wow judges. You move to Birmingham, Alabama. Now the entire nation knows. You are a very personal thing. This is a true story.

6.
This is a true story. Brooke Hogan wore it better. Sophia Bush showed some leg. Eva Longoria sparkled. Kirsten Bell turned up the heat. Cameron Diaz dazzled. It’s time to rise and shine. Stars are twinkling in short and sexy sequin dresses. We asked 100 people and they said she wore it better. This is a true story.

7.
This is a true story. Paris Hilton has announced that she has been recovered. Paris Hilton can have extreme volume without clumping. Paris Hilton has seven dogs, but she knows the difference. Paris Hilton was voted one of the worst. Paris Hilton may gray with age, but color stays consistent. This is a true story.

8.
This is a true story. Cameron Diaz, 34, wore a long blonde wig. Jessica Alba, 25, received an apology. Abigail Breslin, 10, is not old enough to date. John Krazinski, 27, is a TV hunk. No one knows how old they will be someday. This is a true story.

9.
This is a true story. Three phones have the power to summon music out of thin air. Haute designs on the runway make you forget about the cold. This car designed to inspire you to view the world in a different way. In just one hour a week you’ll learn to eat not starve. You can find someone special in six months or you’ll get six months free. This is a true story.

10.
This is a true story. You can’t get Kylie Minogue out of your head. You are upset. What went wrong? It’s very sad. You are very sad. You have been trying to end it for a long time. It’s complicated. You are complicated. You have no comment. You could not be reached. You need space. You do not need space. This is a true story.